A Journey Into, and Out of One's Self

I have had two rather unsettling experiences as of late, both leaving me rather discouraged and questioning why I should bother involving myself in certain volunteer activities. I was asked by one friend to take over managing something as part of a church endeavor saying I did a good job, but then in two challenging moments of crisis for them they defaulted back to their control and started doing the thing they asked me to do without even telling me. I was having a hard time believing they genuinely trusted me and just as I was starting to feel that they did trust me to do the work, suddenly they showed they didn't. Despite this chain of events they tried to maintain they thought I was doing a good job. Another destabilizing experience was where I was asked to help capture some event on video by my friend, and I was feeling rather insecure thinking I don't have a lot of experience doing this kind of thing. I spent a long time considering how to manage all the aspects of not d...

Twenty four hours after my very difficult conversation, and rejection, and some few minutes of googling later I discovered that sometimes rejection as a loss, and in this case a loss of one month, can create feelings similar to the stages of grief.  1. Denial: They don't really know what they want, they will change their mind later. I'm not really that sad, and I will be okay.  2. Anger: They were so cruel, for wasting my time and I am so angry. Everything was so cold, and despite the emotional energy spent there was no thanks, or appreciation.  3. Bargaining: If I had _______ would that change things? What if I do this now can I change their mind?  4. Depression: What is the point of pursuing this kind of stuff? If there is no appreciation for the efforts I put forward the cost is just too high. Why would I bother trying again. MGTOW is looking good right now.  5. Acceptance: MGTOW...? 

After an emotionally exhausting day I began watching the new documentary narrated by Willem Dafoe: Mountains. The film was scored by the Australian Chamber Orchestra. Watching this film I felt refreshed, and renewed. The terrifying heights, the majestic beauty, the awe inspiring grandeur of mountains. As someone afraid of heights, I still could not look away while watching this documentary. I would love to see it in IMAX. Even on my small screen at home the sights induced a sense of vertigo. As a sensory experience the film was fantastic. But not to be overlooked was the excellent narration script and paced careful narration. Dafoe's raspy but calm and collected voice felt like a metaphor for white peaked, jagged summits. The content too, was thought provoking and philosophical. It discussed the human relationship with mountains, through history, emotion, and experiences. The one thing I find it gets wrong though is the philosophy. While many people (including this document...

Today after one month of waiting to meet someone in person to tell them how I feel, because they were too busy to meet me before that, and then getting rejected makes me think: if the person can't figure out why I would wait one month to talk to them in person (or at least that it had some significance), and the fact that I valued meeting them in person so much I was willing to wait a month to meet them didn't give them pause to consider how much I valued them, the relationship never would have worked anyway. Even if they had said they felt touched by my devotion, but still didn't want to pursue a relationship that would have been fine but not even that. I have noticed twice now that women I have dated or wanted to date didn't value my time. They complained that I didn't give them the best quality time, or that I didn't give them enough time, or didn't even care about the time I gave. This is seriously discouraging. Time is precious to me, and with whom, ...

When faced with a class that will have a floating number of students, and no set level I asked my boss for some solutions on how to manage the situation. She said she has taught this kind of class and the solution is to plan more than one lesson plan for each two-hour class and to make it fun and light. "You are a teacher. This is easy for you, so just do it. Just be flexible." When I asked for some example activities that could accommodate such a wide range of potentially different classroom dynamics she had no answer. She said different ages, and different levels don't affect the classroom dynamics that much. This made me think she was lying when she said she had taught in this kind of situation. She also told me not to discuss this kind of problem with HR even though that is what HR told me to do. HR tells me to do what makes my branch angry with me, and my branch tells me to do what makes HR's job harder. If I didn't care about doing a good job I wou...

Still being in the process of attempting to get some self discovered and prescribed closure on the end of my relationship I decided to start take advantage of a simple thing called the Google search. If you have psychological problems, there happens to be a lot of advice, and clear answers to issues. For me, understanding my emotions, and motivations is difficult but thanks to the few incisive points of some (now unfortunately former) friends, and their reiteration through resources I have found online I have come to some rather definitive conclusions about the dysfunction of my past relationship. On my side of the dysfunction I found I had a rescue complex. This article describes my inability to let go, and clearly explains what I now see as my motives for entering and ultimately staying in the relationship to dangerous results. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-white-knight-syndrome/201002/rescuing-yourself-rescuing-relationships-2-letting-go https://www.psychology...

After causing hurt and damaging some relationships within my church community I am faced with a few courses of action. So far my attempts to reconcile and show I am repentant, let alone communicate with the people I have hurt have ultimately failed. In light of the status of our broken relationship and the apparent unwillingness to try to work through what is going on feel I have two good options: 1. Keep trying to communicate and arrange a time to meet one on one or privately in a group with the people I have alienated, trusting that I have missed something about the lack of communication.  2. Give up attempts to communicate and simply pray and fast hoping that God will do something.  3. Trust God that he will do what he needs to do in my life and theirs and seek to grow closer to God without being distracted by my felt need to have all relationships in my life without conflict or problems.  My other options don't seem good: 1. Publicly confront the peo...