Fundamental Issues Part 2
Still being in the process of attempting to get some self discovered and prescribed closure on the end of my relationship I decided to start take advantage of a simple thing called the Google search. If you have psychological problems, there happens to be a lot of advice, and clear answers to issues. For me, understanding my emotions, and motivations is difficult but thanks to the few incisive points of some (now unfortunately former) friends, and their reiteration through resources I have found online I have come to some rather definitive conclusions about the dysfunction of my past relationship.
On my side of the dysfunction I found I had a rescue complex. This article describes my inability to let go, and clearly explains what I now see as my motives for entering and ultimately staying in the relationship to dangerous results.
My ex-girlfriend, on the night of our breakup, as well as at other times candidly admitted a few of her issues which in my view reflected some of the descriptions of people who sought to be rescued. I'm not sure if it's true but having at least that, as well as my own dysfunction, as a possible answer is helpful for me in gaining closure.
I wonder since I have recognized my issue it will be possible to have a stable friendship, with my exgirlfriend, but the time it took me to recognize these things and the steps I had to take away from her to understand what is going on seems to have hurt her deeply. I hope and pray that isn't the end of our at least friendship, but I understand if we can not be in contact anymore. Sometimes things are just so smashed into shards, we'd get cut more by salvaging than it is worth. In a few days or so hopefully I will find out. Her self sacrifice and effort to try and make our relationship worth showed she is an amazing person, despite her flaws, and in the face of my serious emotional problems. In some ways I didn't deserve her, but maybe after my analysis I'm seeing here, we deserved each other.
When I was listening to this song by Copeland I broke down in tears because I felt it encapsulated the dysfunction, and/or end of our relationship. The whole "Eat, Sleep, Repeat" album seemed to speak to me, and I wonder if it would communicate something meaningful to her. I also wonder if now is a time I could/should share it with her or if it would cause her more pain.
"The Last Time He Saw Dorie"
He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy
She was a wreck, but he loved her
She was a wreck, but so was he
And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say but
"Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me
cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..."
Live, live, live because you love, love, love
And love will make you give, give, give
And give in when you break, break, break
But you just want to fix yourself
Just to break again...
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