A Journey Into, and Out of One's Self

"Participation, thus, not only signifies attachment, but represents a form of discipline. It covers conformity to a multitude of details that lie in the area of overlap between group necessities and individual choice. That this area is so dominated by the group side of the balance in Japan is a sign of the way this mechanism indirectly controls a large amount of what elsewhere is viewed as private behavior. Nor is it surprising given the power of this mechanism that many Japanese express a wish to escape its influence and dread going back to it after living abroad. Of particular interest here is something that might be labeled repressed alienation. Periodically one reads of a "loyal" employee who after years of quiet compliance commits an outrageous act of sabotage against his own organization. Adult runaways (johatsu) are another example. These individuals apparently can neither express their resentment or unhappiness directly nor exit the confines of membership....

Did you ever feel worn down? Tired of disappointment and struggle to the point of becoming cold? There's something about continual failure at love, or career that can leave a person drained, cynical, empty, and rusted. Less than human. In The Midnight's 2016 song Synthetic perhaps if you're feeling a bit unreal, disassociated, and numb you might find some catharsis. The retro 80's synthwave sounds are smooth and soothing. The lyrics are wistful. And for those born in the 80's along with the gated reverb drums, and synthesizer, Synthetic evokes a bit of heartwarming nostalgia that while bittersweet can be refreshing. To know you are not the only person who at times feels like a husk of a person, or a mannequin is a kind of therapy. After some conversations with my new filmmaker friend who has been reading this blog, she remarked that she found a sense of peace and refreshing after a tough day reading some of my very old and very personal posts. I never thought...

Today was a rather unproductive, and lazy day. I didn't do much that benefits me, and just lazed around. I think I'm getting a bit stir crazy. Corona isolation is taking it's toll on me mentally. I'd prefer not to get coronavirus but I'm really tired of feeling so slothful and unproductive and on top of that unspiritual. Not a good trend.

Yesterday's Thoughts After a long conversation with my friend about spiritual things had a chance to talk in Korean. Suddenly my friend was much more verbose. A bit overwhelming at first, but the freedom ease my friend seemed to feel was good. I'd really forgotten how powerful speaking someone's language is. Perhaps as a native English speaker I don't feel it as much as Koreans might but when my Korean friends are able to pronounce my name properly (a name not easy to say for Koreans) the emotional weight is hard to ignore. So far we have talked about many spiritual things. There have been some interesting confluences of events when it came to this and right now I'm not really sure what to make of it all. I have to ask God about all these things. I'm always thankful to share my faith, but in this case sharing my faith with someone who thinks about and appreciates similar things has been very enjoyable. Finding people who appreciate these things especially ra...

Today has been an interesting day so far. Despite being at home pretty much all day, except for a short venture out to get a mask gasket, I still had some rather interesting online interactions. While browsing Facebook I came across various articles and posts from friends about the current state of South Korea and the coronavirus. There were a few comment exchanges that helped to give perspective, and help me think about how to behave and what to do during a certain situation. One particular thing I am thinking about is what do we do with the 신천지 sect?  신천지 is a Korean religious group that believes their leader is essentially the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Their evangelism tactics have been questionable in terms of my encounters with them. They have in the past met with opposition from established churches, some going so far as to post signs forbidding proselytization at their campuses citing laws forbidding such practices as hurting business.   Their cur...

I have had two rather unsettling experiences as of late, both leaving me rather discouraged and questioning why I should bother involving myself in certain volunteer activities. I was asked by one friend to take over managing something as part of a church endeavor saying I did a good job, but then in two challenging moments of crisis for them they defaulted back to their control and started doing the thing they asked me to do without even telling me. I was having a hard time believing they genuinely trusted me and just as I was starting to feel that they did trust me to do the work, suddenly they showed they didn't. Despite this chain of events they tried to maintain they thought I was doing a good job. Another destabilizing experience was where I was asked to help capture some event on video by my friend, and I was feeling rather insecure thinking I don't have a lot of experience doing this kind of thing. I spent a long time considering how to manage all the aspects of not d...

Twenty four hours after my very difficult conversation, and rejection, and some few minutes of googling later I discovered that sometimes rejection as a loss, and in this case a loss of one month, can create feelings similar to the stages of grief.  1. Denial: They don't really know what they want, they will change their mind later. I'm not really that sad, and I will be okay.  2. Anger: They were so cruel, for wasting my time and I am so angry. Everything was so cold, and despite the emotional energy spent there was no thanks, or appreciation.  3. Bargaining: If I had _______ would that change things? What if I do this now can I change their mind?  4. Depression: What is the point of pursuing this kind of stuff? If there is no appreciation for the efforts I put forward the cost is just too high. Why would I bother trying again. MGTOW is looking good right now.  5. Acceptance: MGTOW...?