A Journey Into, and Out of One's Self

After causing hurt and damaging some relationships within my church community I am faced with a few courses of action. So far my attempts to reconcile and show I am repentant, let alone communicate with the people I have hurt have ultimately failed. In light of the status of our broken relationship and the apparent unwillingness to try to work through what is going on feel I have two good options: 1. Keep trying to communicate and arrange a time to meet one on one or privately in a group with the people I have alienated, trusting that I have missed something about the lack of communication.  2. Give up attempts to communicate and simply pray and fast hoping that God will do something.  3. Trust God that he will do what he needs to do in my life and theirs and seek to grow closer to God without being distracted by my felt need to have all relationships in my life without conflict or problems.  My other options don't seem good: 1. Publicly confront the peo...

Recently after trying to mend some broken relationships with the women in my life, as well as develop other relationships I have had to elucidate what some of my issues and struggles are with this part of my relationship landscape. Part of my real difficulty comes from four traumas in my past that make dealing with women more difficult for me: 1. a specific time in my life as a child where I felt abandoned by a woman 2. a specific time as a child when I felt publically shamed by a woman 3. a specific time as a child when I felt ignored/devalued in my understanding of the world by a woman (which ultimately lead to being publicly shamed by a woman). 4. a specific time as a child when I felt betrayed by a broken promise made by a woman Whenever I feel one of these things has happened to me now it is very difficult to not get upset. I'm not sure how to resolve these traumas but recognizing their significance is undoubtedly a first step. Recognizing that my patterns of be...

After about one month since breaking up with a woman who truly tried to love me and get close to me, in the midst of my inner conflict and the sexual direction our relationship had taken I find myself in many ways worse off relationally than I was before. During the time I was dating my ex-girlfriend I had alienated so many of my friends, because I was trying to care for my girlfriend and give her an important space in my life. Now in the aftermath of this break up, dealing with the psychological, spiritual, and relational consequences I wonder what if any good will come from both the fact that I started this relationship and that I ended it. It was from the outset a broken relationship with various opportunities to end it before it went too far. It consumed a lot of time and money (not that I regret using my time and money to show love to my ex-girlfriend), and I now must wonder what of that God can use despite all the sin, and brokenness. I have neglected my friends, and then...

Recently I've been posting on a Facebook group to help foreigners get used to living in Korea. One or two nights ago I noticed that many foreigners are a bit baffled (including me) by the number of functions and range of prices that rice cookers in Korea have, so I spent some time investigating at the Homeplus rice cooker aisle reviewing some of the functions, and I also try to called to mind what I learned from my landlady, and from using my own rice cooker. Basic Functions This particular rice cooker has most of the modern conveniences of a basic pressure type rice cooker. Warming: You can see on the top left it has a warming function. This keeps the rice from going bad, and lets you have warm rice whenever it's meal time. I've kept rice in my cooker (which happens to be a non pressure one) for days on this setting although the manufacturers don't recommend this, and it tends to dry out, and turn yellow. One day is probably the safest for taste. Reheat...

    A few weeks ago I found out that the pastor the church in Korea I used to attend had been asked to leave the church. The reason for his dismissal was a few likely influential members of the Korean side of the ministry did not like his management of certain ministries including social justice and the children's ministry. According to what the pastor said there was no discussion, or personal attempt to resolve the issue. There was no attempt at genuine resolution of conflict from their side. The relationship was broken and seemingly distant.      Initially my reaction to this was how could this have happened? I thought it was rather unbiblical and unfair to the pastor to be dismissed because of the opposition of a powerful few, based on preference. Now looking back though I had to consider something else. Biblical conflict resolution is only part of the story. Biblical conflict preemption is the other half. I'm not sure if the pastor had much in the way of...

A day at home not answering the phone, reading, learning, and thinking about my life was useful. Despite my stomach ailments I feel like I have achieved something in the area of personal growth. I also spent a fair bit of time arranging my facebook contacts and considering their value to me. Very helpful as a reflection exercise on what do I value in personal relationships. It turns out I still value honesty and quality time, but not aggression.

I walk faster but it always catches up to me  We talk all night, never saying anything  I am all that's in my way  Do you ever feel the same?  Miracles don't exist in us  We just wish ourselves away  I'm not right this way  Removed and so ashamed Wisher by Terminal        Terminal, in this melancholic song, presents us with a view of a tragic situation which is on the verge of, but never crosses the border into optimism. As I listened to these lyrics there was something  that rang true. We are the greatest obstacle to truly living a life Christians are called to. Our human frailty and sin is a real issue. The removal of self focus is important. The first line "I walk faster but it always catches up to me", speaks of a tragic flaw that cannot be escaped. "We talk all night, never saying anything," portrays a conversational impasse in attempt to solve the problem. I thought of thi...