Sins and Their Consequences

After about one month since breaking up with a woman who truly tried to love me and get close to me, in the midst of my inner conflict and the sexual direction our relationship had taken I find myself in many ways worse off relationally than I was before. During the time I was dating my ex-girlfriend I had alienated so many of my friends, because I was trying to care for my girlfriend and give her an important space in my life.

Now in the aftermath of this break up, dealing with the psychological, spiritual, and relational consequences I wonder what if any good will come from both the fact that I started this relationship and that I ended it. It was from the outset a broken relationship with various opportunities to end it before it went too far. It consumed a lot of time and money (not that I regret using my time and money to show love to my ex-girlfriend), and I now must wonder what of that God can use despite all the sin, and brokenness.

I have neglected my friends, and then in the challenge of having to admit my mistakes and break up with my girlfriend I am now in the position of being alienated from the people I need help from. I am at a loss for what to do. In the middle of my hurt and depression I (rather unfairly) accused my friends of abandoning me and took it out on them by running away. In my struggle to find acceptance and healing within the Church community I was confused when I could not find what I was looking for. I thought, yes I deserve all the psychological, spiritual, and emotional consequences, but I had the expectation that maybe there would be some grace or understanding. In a few cases this is not what I received. This was also largely my fault too. I didn't want to share my life openly with many people but then expected them to know that I needed help when things went wrong. And they did go ironically, and tragically wrong.

In the end I have to consider now what I need to do. When I feel rejected by and guilty toward a community I hurt, I'm not really sure how the combination of guilt and fear of rejection work themselves out into an ethic of who is responsible for what. One thing I do know, when love feels conditioned based on my performance it's not love to me, and the pretense that it is seems empty. This is how I have acted, and in response to that others have reacted.

I specifically remember a few people who were often gossiped about, and I defended them when they were not around. These people ended up being the people I felt hurt by in one case. I knew it was so sad to watch my own struggle play out in other's lives and watch them be judged for it, and even have others blame them for their difficulty in relating to people. I defended them, and then I had to wonder if I was not also in their position being gossiped about, being blamed for not being mature enough. And almost soon after this realization I became one of those people gossiping. I eventually gave in to all the pressure and habits of others to blame, when so much of my pain and struggle was my own fault.

In the midst of attempting to admit and apologize I received scathing what I felt was scathing and humiliating and yet in some ways true criticism about my behavior.  I received advice, on what to do. But I also received an ultimatum for acceptance. Ironically the advice I received through a resource by the same person taught me that accepting other's ultimatums for acceptance is clearly part of my problem.

This experience has showed me the height of hypocrisy in myself and others, and I have learned in a much deeper way how distorted and confused our concept of reality is through sin. I have learned that I should not apologize for doing what I think is right, or feel guilty about it. Sometimes this means breaking commitments because the commitment will be harmful to me and to the other person. Sometimes it means asking for help, even desperately, because I know that if I don't get help from others I will not grow. I have learned that to me, dating non-Christians is too difficult, and makes me feel guilty toward so many amazing Christian women who are looking for someone (not that I am that someone, but that my choice is a slap in the face to their commitment to finding a good Christian man). This is a kind of insult I hate to receive and now realize I was giving. What a terrible thing.

I learned that I must not let others judge me, nor may I judge myself, but seek what God says about me. He is the final judge and arbiter of all things. Friends may counsel me, criticize me, I may criticize myself, blame myself, or excuse myself, but God's word, and the words he speaks through the convicting power of the Holy Spirit are my guide to help me live a life in line with my conscience and Scripture. Disobeying conscience, God's Word, or the Holy Spirit is never safe.